Fragmented
by of self
Summary: Alex Russo in parts because she never really was whole. One-sided Justin/Alex.


_Lately Psychology class has been the go to place for inspiration. Well we were discussing incest and it's interpretation in different cultures and that's how this came about. And if you don't like the the theme please don't read ahead. Sorry in advance for any offense that is felt._

_And I don't own WoWP and the lyrics of Eminem which pop up someplace in the fic. And finally the quote belongs to Alexander Pope, I think._

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**i.**

The boys she dates, they all fit into a certain type, a category. They fall into the category of the popular boys. They are all radically different from the boys she tends to like. But she dates them because she's trying to prove a point to herself.

She is trying to prove that she does not fall for sweet nerdy guys, who love dolls- no action figures and who obsessively follow rules. In a nutshell she is trying to prove that she is not falling for her brother.

She's not falling for Justin because that would just ruin everything. And no one knows that better than her.

There's a string of guys, there's Riley, Dean, Ronald and soon they all just morph into the same standard guy. She doesn't even remember the newest ones name.

And at first she is guilty but over time the guilt wanes and it's replaced by indifference. She wants them to suffer like she's suffering even though they never really caused her any pain.

She just wants them to suffer along with her.

And at the back of her mind something tells her, does it really matter what the guys name is because all she is trying to do is forget.

**ii.**

At times magic is so tempting.

To Alex it represents a world of possibilities. With one flick of her wrist she can make something disappear. And with flick of her wrist she wishes she could make the ties that bind her and Justin disappear.

Ties that bind.

More like ties that chain and ties that strangle and choke.

There's so much that can be done, so much can be changed even if she cant change her own she wants to do something about all the others. And sometimes she wants to take away all the bad and leave all the good. Take away all the misery and leave only happiness. But something prevents her.

Something Justin always said.

Respect the rules. Respect magic.

And with it she knows goes the unspoken reminder.

_Respect the boundaries._

**iii.**

Alex feels emotions very strongly. At times it's a boon, at times it's a bane. She loves, she hates, she laughs, she cries, all with the same intensity. It never wavers even once. And in the midst of all of this is Justin.

Somehow everything always ends up revolving around her and him.

He is the centre of her world and the reason why she is laughing, crying, loving and hating.

It all boils down to him and he doesn't even know. Isn't that _fucking_ funny? She laughs bitterly when she realizes that and then all the laughter dissolves into tears. Once again he's doing it. he's the cause without really being the cause.

She hates him, she loves him and she doesn't even know what to feel anymore.

But it's not like that's a new thing.

She's been living with not knowing what to feel for so long, she'll just continue to live with it like always.

Even if _always_ is going to be like a knife twisting through her stomach.

**iv.**

Sometimes she doesn't want to be herself. Because as far as she can see being herself is not the most thrilling thing ever. She's fifteen, young, pretty and in love. It may seem fine and normal but when it's her brother she's in love with, normalcy seems far from it.

Sometimes she wants to be Max. Max with his clueless and gullible nature, Max with his ability to space out at the most inopportune moments, Max whose most pressing problem seems to be the creation of a gigantic sandwich with a hundred fillings.

Max who is free and unencumbered.

She's willing to trade everything, her smarts and her deviousness for what Max has. Because Max has the ability to live in a bubble where the outside cannot touch him. If she were like Max, she wouldn't be aware of feelings of disgust and love growing simultaneously inside her.

But she knows better than anyone else that you don't always get do-overs.

But just once she would like to live her life without feeling an ounce of self-loathing or guilt.

Just once.

**v.**

If there's one thing Alex likes about herself it's her ability to see a chance and take it. She makes split second decisions and regret is not something that plagues her because after all she lives for the moment.

It's something she's done from when she's small and it's always served her well.

So when she sees Justin standing right in the middle of the sub station looking pensive and lost, she decides to seize the moment, freeze it and own it. Literally. She quickly whips put her wand and freezes time around her.

Then for a moment she looks around her, everything is frozen and Justin stands in the middle, looking more vulnerable than he ever has. She walks up to Justin and places a kiss on his warm lips. She can hear everything including the blood rushing through her veins and pounding in her ears.

She steps away and undoes the spell. Everything goes back to normal and Justin looks at her a little confused. He knows magic has been done but Alex's face doesn't give away anything. As she walks away, the memory of Justin's lips burnt on to hers she has no regrets. Except maybe one.

She wishes time would have frozen forever when she kissed Justin.

That would have been perfection in its entirety.

**vi.**

Guilt has never really worried Alex much. It simply rolls off her back. But when she sees Justin look at her sometimes with a hint of distrust in his eyes, guilt floods her being. It's agonizing and she doesn't know if she can take it anymore.

She can deal with the consequences but she cannot deal with the look in Justin's eyes. It's killing her. So once again she whips out her wand and performs a spell that erases her memory. The guilt disappears but somehow she feels like it's only a vicious cycle waiting to happen all over again.

And for the millionth time in her life, Alex wishes that things were different.

But like every other time, the wish isn't granted and she just continues wishing.

_Because hope springs eternal in the human breast._

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_I know the ending sucks but I re-wrote it around 5 times before giving up. _


End file.
